Very OT: Wedding Etiquette

Here's the background:
We went to my husband's cousins wedding in April of this year.
Apparently, this cousin spent alot of time growing up in my in–laws
house...my MIL had described him as part of the family, like a son.
We drove down to NJ for this wedding, spent 2 nights at a Hilton and
gave a *very nice* check to them.
We have *yet* to see a thank you nor have my in–laws or my
brother–in–law and his wife.
Fast forward to today: there is a family party and I have heard they
might be there. I am itching to say something to them. I am afraid I
will blurt something out...but I really want to say something.
What should it be?

(1) Think about whether a family party is the right venue for what you
want to say. Is there a possibility the party will be spoiled by
potential friction?
(2) If you decide to go ahead I'd suggest being very simple and direct,
i.e. "We were surprised not to have received a thank you card from you
after your wedding." Then, based on how they respond, proceed from
there.
(3) If you decide not to bring it up at the party, I'd suggest sending
them a note (a real note, not email, thus demonstrating how it's
supposed to be done) basically saying the same thing.
(4) Good luck. Family stuff like this can be so very hurtful and
frustrating.

Jean <highs...@suscom–maine.netNOSPAM> wrote in news:N7ednYae0qj2GjjeRVn–
...@suscom–maine.net:
Did the check clear? If not, then you should ask them whether they ever
received it, and/or take steops to replace it. If so, then do not say
anything. Anything you'd say will only create friction and ill will within
the family, and won't do a thing to make you feel any more appreciated. You
may, however, remember their lack of response for fuure gift giving
occasions.
––
use...@yahoo.com
http://www.gopchoice.org/

Userb3 wrote:
yes, it did clear, shortly after they returned from their 3 week
honeymoon in Tahiti. Thanks for bringing that up, I omitted it.
Of course, I could go right up to them and ask <with a vbg>, so, what
did you guys decide to spend the money on?!?

On Sun, 25 Dec 2005 00:07:02 GMT, Korbin Dallas
<korbindal...@null.org> wrote:
A sucessful wife is one who finds a husband that makes more than she
spends.
A successful husband is one who finds a wife who spends less than he
makes.
Well, that is not as generous to the lady!

How about a simple question about whether they got the check you gave them
as a gift.. and what they bought with it if they say they did.
Or you could send them a note asking that as well
Stevie


"EMiriamD" <emiri...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1134922964.346148.20...@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I am itching to say something to >them. I am afraid I
will blurt something out...but I really >want to say something.

that's the best idea yet.. do that. and keep us posted!
Stevie

Jean wrote:
Strictly speaking, etiquette would demand you say nothing and simply be
gracious and polite whenever you see them. There is a chance that they
did send a note and it never made it to you b/c of the post office.

Jennifer Dellapina wrote:
Gee, can I post something there? No one, but NO one, will top my story
of Neanderthal and the Pizza. I am still stewing about it.

On Sun, 18 Dec 2005 23:52:45 GMT, Jennifer Dellapina
<dellap...@netscape.net> wrote:
Thanks for the link––it seems that I read some of the wedding stories
from hell but I'm sure there's lots of things there I haven't read!
Lauri in WA

On Thu, 22 Dec 2005 16:40:48 –0600, ami kio wrote:
How marriage works, allegedly:
She gets all the gifts.
He gets a wife. <grin/duck>
––
Visit Charlie's Sneaker Pages!
http://sneakers.pair.com/

Not at all! I took your post to scold the entirety of our society,
which, I think is how you meant it.
I am lucky to have a husband whose mother worked outside the home when
he was growing up, so he had not expectation of those traditional
roles. He sure has his moments, though.
I, however, am perfect.
NM

Stevie wrote:
yes, it did clear, shortly after they returned from their 3 week honeymoon
in Tahiti. Thanks for bringing that up, I omitted it.
Of course, I could go right up to them and ask <with a vbg>, so, what did
you guys decide to spend the money on?!?
well, they didn't show....but there is always next Sunday....at the
inlaws. (they seem to pop in every year there)

Jean wrote:
Of course, I could go right up to them and ask <with a vbg>, so, what did
you guys decide to spend the money on?!?
I like your idea, Jean. Or, if you are close to your MIL, you could
ask her what they got with the check as you never received a thank you
note from them after it was cashed. Not to stir anything up, I like
the direct approach; asking them what they purchased with the check
since you did not receive a thank you note. It's possible it did get
lost in the mail, but not likely.
Anyone you are close to in the family that you could ask if they
received a thank you note? That might give you an idea of how to
proceed. If they did not receive theirs, then you know this girl is
seriously lacking in etiquette.

Yes, I am very close with my MIL and she did not get one either. Nor
her other son & wife. I think if they show up next Sunday I will take
the direct but nice approach.
Will keep you all posted! thanks for everyone's contributions.
Not to stir anything up, I like

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. I think the proper etiquette is to
give with no strings attached. If you really want to say something, I
would pay dumb and ask if they received the check you gave them (knowing
full well they did, since it was cashed)...then see where the
conversation leads
good luck and keep us updated :)
Jean wrote:
––
I'm what Willis was talking about.

catmom wrote:
––
I'm what Willis was talking about.

Jean wrote:
Hey, I like your answer best so far and I'm going to remember that. I
am sick of pussyfooting with these newlyweds who want the big flashy
affair yet can't find five minutes and a 37 cent stamp. I'm all for
puttin' 'em on the spot. April???? Absolutely no excuse. If you
alienate the rest of the family...well, that's the chance you might
want to take.
I heard about a great wedding gift – a box of thank you notes with your
gift check buried under the first few pieces of paper. If that ain't a
broad enough hint – then nothing short of a sledgehammer will probably
work.

On 12/18/05 5:39 PM, in article
1134956393.710897.139...@g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com, "val189"
<gwehr...@bellsouth.net> wrote:
Did I miss this one?! I am so intrigued!!!!

"val189" <gwehr...@bellsouth.net> wrote in news:1134956163.267259.1320...@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com:
While the newlyweds are certinly at fault, I'm not sure what putting them
on the spot at a family gathering accomplishes. What was the original
motivation for gift giving? What is the purpose of the gathering?
Ultimately, it seems to me that family harmony would be a higher priority
than whatever small satisfaction you might get from embarrasing a couple of
newlyweds at their first family holiday together.
––
use...@yahoo.com
http://www.gopchoice.org/

On 12/18/05 2:02 PM, in article 5LydndeBL7tGQTjeRVn–...@suscom–maine.net,
"Jean" <highs...@suscom–maine.netNOSPAM> wrote:
I don't get too hung up on all the rules of etiquette that don't seem to
make perfect sense anymore, but a thank you note will never become outdated!
It's frustrating to think that someone got and used your gift, but never
took the 30 seconds to write to thank you. Recently I got a thank you note
for a gift that was given at the wedding 18 months ago! But better late
than never.
The etiquette story that bugs me most goes involves a long–time friend. His
new wife didn't really know anyone in town and was bummed because her
upcoming birthday was looking kind of bleak. So I threw together a bowling
party for her, paid over $100 for the lanes, invited about 15–20 people,
bought her food and drinks AND a gift.
I didn't get a thank you note but I wasn't really bothered by that, because
it was just a casual gathering and she thanked me verbally. But the kicker
was –– a few weeks later was MY birthday. She didn't send a card or call,
and when another friend invited her to join us at dinner (for my birthday
plus two others' birthdays), she cancelled an hour before! You can bet that
her next birthday, she isn't getting so much as an email from me.
Check out etiquettehell.com. I could read that site for days on end!!!
Dellapina

Userb3 wrote:
Oops – I meant to do it without the audience.

Hi Jean,
BTW, thanks again for the excellent SS gift!!
Some people have bad manners, and those people will never see the error
of their ways. Your saying something to this type of person will only
lead to their thinking you are a jerk. However, the problem could be
spousal miscommunication. Who knows what the real story is, but I
think maybe you should ask your MIL if she has said anything to them,
as if she is more like a mother than an aunt to this guy, perhaps she
could mention it, by way of offering to help them write.
I will tell you my story. I wrote thank you notes for all the shower
gifts and wedding gifts given at/around the wedding (mostly my family
and friends and our mutual friends.
My MIL threw us a party in my husband's home town a few months after
the wedding. She did this so that my husband's ENORMOUS and very close
extended family didn't have to travel for the wedding. Most of his
hometown friends attended this party instead of the wedding as well.
DH said he would write the tank yous for gifts received at/around this
party, which ocurred in July, and I assumed he did. Fastforward
Thanksgiving of that year, and I overhear a couple of his cousins
saying something about getting a thank you for a shower gift and not a
wedding gift. I did not know then, nor do I know now if they were
talking about me, but I thought to ask my husband if he ever sent the
TY notes. He gave the usual, "no, I have been so busy, blah blah".
Needless to say, I took him to the woodshed, and wrote the thank you
notes AS SOON AS we got home.
I was mortified. Unfortunately, the blame usually falls on the wife
for things of this nature. My mother was incredibly strict about thank
you notes when we were kids, and that haunts me to this day.
So, the moral of the story is:
I have taken over ALL written correspondence duties from my husband is
the unsuing years.
NM
Jean wrote:

"itsjoannotjoann" <itsjoannotjo...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:1134941991.491870.198...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
did
you guys decide to spend the money on?!?
Not just the girl but the guy too. They are mutually at fault. I'm sick of
the woman always bearing the burden for this and no blame for the man. It
may be even more his fault if it is his family.

Marsan/McKinney wrote:
That's true, it IS time for men to step up to the plate and take their
share of the responsibility when it comes to thank you notes and other
etiquette issues. However, as we've seen from another poster who's
husband said he would take care of the thank you notes for his friends,
"no, I've been busy, blah, blah, blah." It's the standard male
excuse/response to any question that puts them on the defense. Also,
many men think if they've thanked them verbally, they've more than
fulfilled their obligation.
<sigh>

itsjoannotjoann wrote:
About thank you notes, I have a question...is it odd not to mention the
gift (or allude to it) in the note and only give a general thanks for
your friendship and presence? That's the type of note I received after
giving a generous cheque to a friend and I was miffed. The cheque
cleared, but had THEY cashed it? I finally mustered up the courage to
ask her point blank. I mean, you leave the card on a table at a
reception. There is always the possibility that it didn't get to the
couple, right? Curious to hear your thoughts.
Suzanne

On 12/21/05 11:35 PM, in article
1135229730.629388.146...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com, "nosa...@yahoo.com"
<nosa...@yahoo.com> wrote:
It is a little odd, but it might just be a sign of disorganization. I know
that when we got married, despite the attempt to keep a careful list of who
gave us what, there were a couple who brought gifts to the wedding that we
weren't sure about. We deposited all the checks before we left on our
honeymoon, but didn't write notes until we got back, so we didn't realize
that there was some kind of error in our record–keeping until it was too
late to go back and check. Those people got generic notes because I figured
it was better that they had been thanked, even if we weren't sure what the
gift was.
Additionally, I once received a thank you note from a wedding I attended
that thanked me for my generous check. I had not, in fact, yet sent my
gift. I figure in the karmic scheme of things, someone gets off the hook
for forgetting a thank you note, since I got one I didn't deserve.
APS

A. Pasch wrote:
SNIP
LOL.
Unfortunately, DH lost several envelopes at our wedding. We tried to
reconstruct who had handed him the lost ones, but were not able to do
so completely. And, of course, what to do about those we lost? We
settled on generic thank you notes, although we did get a couple of
calls from people asking why we hadn't cashed their checks.
Barbara

Ideally, you are supposed to mention what you bought with it, and this
is what I did. For the most part, we bought some dishes from our
registry that we didn't receive, and a few other things like that, and
put the rest into our savings. So, generally I write that we used the
money for our dishes, or whatever.
I have gotten generic thank you notes from weddings I attended, before
I had a chance to send a gift. I think sometimes people do this in
case they think they lost/got confused over what you gave, but don't
want to seem ungrateful.
NM

On 12/22/05 5:05 PM, in article
1135292703.398732.237...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com, "Nanm"
<morris....@gmail.com> wrote:

On Thu, 22 Dec 2005 23:19:02 GMT, Charlie Perrin
<nikve...@sbcglobal.netNOSPAM> wrote:
A sucessful wife is one who finds a husband that makes more than she
spends.
A successful husband is one who finds a wife who spends less than he
makes.

On Sat, 24 Dec 2005 16:24:05 +0000, Insouciant wrote:
The NEW version:
A successful husband is one who finds a wife who spends less than She makes.
––
Korbin Dallas
The name was changed to protect the guilty.

On 12/21/05 2:09 PM, in article
1135195762.948280.133...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com, "itsjoannotjoann"
<itsjoannotjo...@webtv.net> wrote:
<rant>
I also find it infuriating that the female half of a couple is usually held
responsible for such matters. Just b/c you're a guy doesn't mean that
you're absolved of thank you notes, dishes, vacuuming, childcare, etc. If a
guy is going to insist that that's a woman's job, then he'd better make
enough money so that the wife can stay home to do all of that.
</rant>
My 2 cents on thank you notes:
Despite being a stickler about other customs (e.g. Saying thank you to
whoever pays for a meal or holds opens a door), thank you notes aren't
important to me. Sure, it's nice to get a card, but I never expect one –– a
verbal thank you is plenty for me. Among my friends, most present
recognition is done via email or phone calls. I eloped, so I never dealt
with wedding thank you's.
Note that I do send out thank you notes (usually at work if someone goes out
of their way for me), but I tend to be random about it.
Contributing to the downfall of civilization, ;p
ami

Though my husband blew off the thank you notes, he is in every other
way, a thoroughly modern husband who does share in the child care,
household chores, etc. I hate the fact that even warrants a mention.
Anyhow, his mother never made them write thank you notes, and so he
doesn't do it, and doesn't see it as terribly important. In his view a
verbal thank you /email/phone call would be sufficient to acknowledge
the receipt of the gift and say thanks, in all but the most extreme
circumstance. I however, disagree.
Of course, his never having to write thank yous as a child made no
difference in MY being blamed!
ami kio wrote: