Should I break off engagement w/ controlling fiance?

would appreciate any kid of advice from male or female..
There is no one close to me I feel I can talk to and I cannot afford
professional counselling.
I just wanted to get this out to someone who would be objective and
just 'listen' so even if
you don't reply, just the fact you have read this and can sympathise in
any way shape or
form, I would be gladly appreciative.
Sorry, this is gonna be LONG.
A little bit of background about me. I am 28, female, and live at home
with my parents.
After a failed business I'm currently broke and very depressed. I am starting
up my business again (with a different product and objective) however
I've been
down for the last few weeks due to my crumbling personal and professional life.
I've run up $4k on my credit card (and not told a soul about this) and
have never
been in debt before. But since I have no income I have no means of
paying this off.
I was previously on social security benefits but after the
beareaucratic nightmare
I wanted to wean myself off it so I've been off it about a month now,
and this has
contributed to my not having any money and being in debt.
Because of my depression I've taken to buying lots of things (which is one of
the few things that gives me joy these days apart from reading stuff on
the internet)
causing my debt to escalate. Some of the things I recently bought are
self help books
which I thought could help me but I haven't read them all yet..., I
only recently discovered
myself through reading online that I have an OCD and noone supports me
on this..
they just say 'get over it' like it's gonna happen overnight.. no one
in my family or my
fiance really truly understands me at all.. I feel so lost and alone.
I'm constantly being told to grow up and get a job. I think I'm a
reasonably above average
intelligent and attractive but for some reason I have had so much
rejection in the job
searching arena. I finished university in 2000 and started looking for
a job in 2001 and
did not have any success. I started my own business in mid 2002 and met
my current
fiance at the end of 2002.
Everything seemed to be looking up and 2003 was a really great year for
me. However,
my company wasn't going too well and I was constantly pressured to get
a 'real job', I applied
and applied and eventually I got a full time job at the beginning of
2004, much to my joy
and everyone else's joy. This was the first proper job i had since Jan 1999.
Everything was going along fine till I eventually started to detest the
company and once
I told everyone my problems they all agreed with me that it was a crap
company to work for.
The pay was low, the start was extremely early, the place was dirty
since it was a factory
and therefore bad for my (or anyone's health), I found it really
counter–productive the way
things were done and they were not open to new ideas and faster/better
ways of getting
things done, our lunch times were strictly monitored, I felt like we
were treated like schoolkids,
etc etc.. so at the beging of this year (2005) I quit after being there
for 11 months.
So then I was back on the unemployment rollercoaster again.. I got more
and more depressed.
Since I'm a perfectionist and I think I deserve better.. I felt that no
one would want me and
I wouldn't want any job that was so crap or so lowly paid, or too far
away, etc.
Everyone has told me I'm being too picky and I agree but I don't know
how t oget over that..
hence my wanting to start my own business.
I think I may be suffering from dysthymia, or low grade depression.. I
have a family
history (father) of mental illness and I don't think I'm suffering from
depression that badly
but I just have really really low self–esteem and I honestly find it
hard to be happy that often.
Now, about my relationship.. I was recently engaged after almost 3
years of dating this guy.
He proposed to me and I accepted (although I must admit deep down there
was maybe
a 20–40% chance I felt like saying no) and things have gone downhill
fast after that.
I acknowledge the fact that there are many flaws within myself.. I
argue with my parents
and siblings but we never hold grudges or anything and are fine after a
few minutes or hours..,
I have OCD and minor depression, I do things which may not seem
'normal' to most like
talking to stuffed animals and being addicted to the internet so much
so I can be on it for 12 hours
a day.. etc..
BUT
my boyfriend/fiance is driving me crazy with his controlling behaviour
and he fails to totally
acknowledge that , even though I've brought it up with him. He says it
hurts him that I think of
him as this 'monster' and he's even cried on a few occasions.
I started reading a lot online about 'emotional abuse' and
'controlling' husbands/partners..
and it sounded a lot like my fiance.
I was all ready to break up with him not long ago and then thought we
could work it out.
Then just yesterday I wanted to break up again but he convinced me not to.
Before I continue I think I should add that I do not break things off
with anyone or anything
easily. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm EXTREMELY attached to
everyone and
everything and have NEVER broken off my pasat rel'ships.. The guy has
always done it
and i was always devastated when it happened, begging for them to take
me back. In hindsight
it was great that we separated.. I was too caught up in the romantic
side of things, hoping
we could work things out (my parents are divorced) no matter what the
problem, but in hindsight
it was so much better that they chose to break up with me for whatever reason.
So for someone like me to WANT to break it off with a long term partner
(and prospective
future husband and father of my children) absolutely breaks my heart
into a million pieces..
I've cried, yelled, argued for so long though.. I love him but I hate
him. I want to change him into
a better, different person but I know that I can't.
OK what he does that annoys me.
He is obsessed with outward appearances and appears vain. My parents
and siblings have
also told me they think this.
If he is vain within himself that doesn't really bother me THAT much,
but it seems he puts
these high ideals onto me himself.
Like I have to be dressed impeccably and immacuately at all times, and
how I must wear this
or that.. yes that's right, he dictates what I should or shouldn't
wear.. so much so, it's giving me
great ANXIETY and STRESS just thinking about it and turns me into a
nervous wreck.
He just doesn't understand.
He says he only asks me to do it 'some' of the time, but when I say
that I DO do it 'some' of the
time he goes 'you NEVER do it' etc etc.. ARGGH our arguments are just
so so childish.
I started getting deluded that maybe *I* was the problem. maybe I am? I
don't really

SC wrote:>
Well, a lot of effort went into this trolling attempt, but the story
was kinda common, so I have to give it only a C+.

On Mon, 31 Oct 2005 13:14:33 +1100, wrote:
I'd say, "Wrong. There are sliding–scale services available just about
everywhere. Ask your local Health Department."
––
Visit Charlie's Sneaker Pages:
http://sneakers.pair.com/

On Sun, 30 Oct 2005 20:43:39 –0600, jjjjjuliep wrote
(in article <1130726619.620631.285...@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>):
Wonder why it was added to the fashion ng?
––
Cheers!
Dennis
Remove 'Elle–Kabong' to reply

"SC" <eyetalic hotmail> wrote in message
news:43657...@duster.adelaide.on.net...
You asked for it........alt. fashion?
It seems that you have as many issues to work out as he does. I think you
should do both of yourselves a favour and call it off. Neither of you are
ready to care for another person at this point – you have too much you need
to do for yourselves.
If you were at 20–40% for a "no" answer to the proposal, but said "yes", you
need to get some ovaries and call it off.

"jjjjjuliep" <jjjjju...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130726619.620631.285...@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
True... the OP starts off saying she is living with her parents, but later
on says they are divorced.... mmm. How does one get SS benefits at age 28 ––
unemployment benefits?
Anyways.... for anyone reading that post who is in a similar situation (many
aspects of OPs story are not so far fetched IRL) should take heed and get
out of the relationship fast. Any person who exhibits all the traits of a
narcissistic/borderline personality is a health risk to anyone who chooses
to live with them.

"SC" <eyetalic hotmail> wrote in message
news:43657...@duster.adelaide.on.net...
Whether or not this is spam............(whats it doing on alt.fashion?)
If anyone is feeling depressed you HAVE TO GET HELP!!! I had post partum
depression (lets call it "ppd" because I am a lazy typer), a very bad case.
So anyways, I know. If anyone is depressed and you feel you cant tell
anyone, chances are you know someone who is or was depressed and they will
be more than willing to help you.
I never knew my grandma takes anti depressants until I told her I had
"ppd".........
I never knew a close friend of mine had "ppd" at the same time I
did..........
I never knew so many people would care. My doctor cared too, and helped me
the most, so don't forget your doctor.
The point is, spam or not, if this relates to anyone, talk to your friends
and family. It may feel embarrasing, but most likely they will understand
perfectly.
HTH
Michelle Giordano (mostly happy everyday!)

"RLK" <bookhound_...@hotmail.com_remove dashes_> wrote in message
news:Uzi9f.4402$kj6.2...@trndny03...
I think that the number one thing to remember is that anytime you've got a
controller in your life it's not because they're "vain" and in to beauty,
it's because they're insecure within themselves and pushing other people
around makes them feel more powerful and more in control.
His issues are his own. Your issues are your own. You both need to get them
fixed away from each other instead of using the other person as a crutch to
solve your *own* personal issues that were there LONG BEFORE the two of you
ever even met.
JN

Spam or not.
1: Dump the Fiancé Unless you need to be told everything to do like a robot.
2: Get off the Internet. You are compulsive and you won't be able to start
a business or get hired.
3: You are still young enough to get a Corp job.. but you better hurry. If
you come to this decision at 40 it's harder to get a job.
4: Starting a business requires you to work. and have money so either get a
part time job... and start the business or keep applying. I've found
sending out resume's works ok, and calling local head hunters.
5: Quit spending money unless you want to be able to claim bankruptcy before
you turn 30 or have you parents pay for it... someone has to.
6: realize life is full of downs... just deal with it.
7: If the problem is inside your head.. go to a free counselor.
Just my thoughts.

SC wrote:

i,
You may find these helpful:
http://www.narcissistic–abuse.com/abuse7.html
http://www.narcissistic–abuse.com/abuse8.html
http://www.narcissistic–abuse.com/faq6.html
http://www.narcissistic–abuse.com/faq66.html
Take care.
Sam
SC wrote:

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fiancee as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sounds like you have MANY,
then, don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
councelor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fiancee... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any conrol of someonelse – but YOU for
yourelf... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your thing,
you can always rely on your faith. Prayers does wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man.I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on Ebay! I found Ebay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fiancee as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sounds like you have MANY,
then, don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
councelor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fiancee... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any conrol of someonelse – but YOU for
yourelf... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your thing,
you can always rely on your faith. Prayers does wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man.I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on Ebay! I found Ebay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fianc=E9e as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sound like you have MANY, then,
don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
Heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
counselor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fianc=E9e... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any control of someone's life – but
YOU for yourself... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your
thing, you can always rely on your faith. Prayers do wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man. I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on EBay! I found EBay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fiancee as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sounds like you have MANY,
then, don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
councelor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fiancee... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any conrol of someonelse – but YOU for
yourelf... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your thing,
you can always rely on your faith. Prayers does wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man.I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on Ebay! I found Ebay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fiancee as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sounds like you have MANY,
then, don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
councelor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fiancee... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any conrol of someonelse – but YOU for
yourelf... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your thing,
you can always rely on your faith. Prayers does wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man.I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on Ebay! I found Ebay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fianc=E9e as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sound like you have MANY, then,
don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
Heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
counselor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fianc=E9e... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any control of someone's life – but
YOU for yourself... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your
thing, you can always rely on your faith. Prayers do wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man. I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on EBay! I found EBay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fianc=E9e as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sound like you have MANY, then,
don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
Heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
counselor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fianc=E9e... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any control of someone's life – but
YOU for yourself... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your
thing, you can always rely on your faith. Prayers do wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man. I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on EBay! I found EBay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns

Hi, reading your story reminds me so much of what I've been through 7
years ago... Reading it makes me sad because I've been in the same
shoes. Things will get better in time! Things must be hard for you, but
if you could write so much stuff about your fianc=E9e as a controlling
man, then you should already know there is a BIG RED FLAG! In order to
marry someone, you need to know it and be sure about it before you take
that step – if there are concerns which sound like you have MANY, then,
don't go through with it. It'll save you the agony of a major
Heartbreak later on. You need to love yourself and help yourself before
you can do the same for someone else. It would be wise to speak to a
counselor – but if there are money issues, speak to a friend or join a
group... Keep yourself busy and find positive things to do such as
sports, outdoor activities, learning something new, find a new hobby.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and giving excuses about yourself and
your fianc=E9e... One of the many things I've learned through my own
challenges is to learn from your own mistakes and never rely on anyone
but yourself. No one should have any control of someone's life – but
YOU for yourself... If activities such as sports, hobbies are not your
thing, you can always rely on your faith. Prayers do wonders! In my own
tough challenges, I ended up marrying the controlling guy. I was in an
abusive relationship and I ended up divorcing him after 1 year of
mental & physical abuse. I felt really sorry for myself, but when I
realized it was time to take responsibility, I managed to rise above
it. I got married again and have been happily married for 4 years to a
wonderful man. I was very blessed to have found a great guy that loves
me for me. As for having your own business, maybe you should think
about selling things on EBay! I found EBay a very good help and have
been very profitable. Since you like to be on the internet, it might
not be a bad idea... Start thinking of how eBay can work for you. I
started eBay 4 years ago, and yes, for the first month or two, it was
slow, but through experience, I have started my own company selling
party favors for all occasions. I managed to hire a few employees, work
at home, and loving it! Best of luck to you. I hope this helps...
www.HappyTimesDesigns.com
http://stores.eBay.com/HappyTimesDesigns