Completely OT: anyone had a friendly divorce?

Hi everyone,
It's been a while...I had such a big year. I turned 30; it really
freaked me out and I made lots of changes in my life. It's so nice to
come back and see so many familiar names still here.
Well, my new years resolutions this year included fixing or getting
out of my 15 year old relationship. 12 years married. Three lovely
children. I am devastated about upsetting them but I have thought
about this a lot and can't see what else to do.
I wish it could be like Meg Ryan in You've got mail and Sleepless In
Seattle etc where you just both sigh and say "okay, see ya."
My husband wants to stay home with the kids and he is an excellent
father so I have no qualms at all about this. What I'd like advice on
is how to do the money stuff fairly. I've done a bit of googling and
lots of articles have said that the goal should be to maintain a
similar standard of living for the kids but what about the spouse who
can't work because he is home with the kids? Am I supposed to keep
buying him organic free range meat and vegetables? My first instinct
is that I want to give my kids everything they already get but I
shouldn't be obliged to give my husband luxuries. However, if I were
going to be the one to stay at home, I'd certainly want something to
make up for the fact that I am not able to earn while I look after
three children full time. And I don't want my husband to have to give
up Mach3s (which I introduced him to after an alt.fashion thread was
full of praise for them) and scrounge for a new pair of shoes. We both
feel that one of us at home is the best thing and we are both happy
for it to be him. None of our children are school aged yet so he
really would have very little opportunity to work.
I'd love some advice on what some of you have done to work out what is
fair, and I guess general words of wisdom about this whole splitting
up business.
I am happy–sad today.
Tinny
tinny at glamoursociety dot com

Tinny wrote:
Hi Tinny,
For fixing a relationship, you might try alt.support.marriage. For
getting out of it, try alt.support.divorce. I frequent both groups, and
there's some pretty good people and advice to be had.
Each state has laws set up that dictate how much child support is to be
paid. It's typically based on a formula. You can offer to pay more if
you want, but you can't legally pay less, and in some states it's even
garnished automatically from your wages.
Spousal support is very rare these days, usually reserved for longer
marriages than yours, in which one spouse did not work either by choice
or due to disability. It is doubtful that spousal support would be
ordered in your situation, although I suppose you could offer to pay it
voluntarily.
The reality is that when a couple divorces, their standard of living
suffers (at least temporarily – usually things improve when one or both
partners remarry). Especially if your husband does not go back to work,
there's simply no way you can maintain the same standard of living
while paying for two households on the same income.
I was a SAHM for 5 years, at which time my marriage was breaking up. I
had to go back to work or else I couldn't have afforded a separate
residence. Child support, even though it is quite hefty in my state,
did not cut it. Today my ex and I share custody 50–50 so no child
support exchanges hands. My career took off and he and I now make about
the same amount. He's remarried, I'm getting remarried. Therefore,
while our standard of living suffered dramatically for *both* of us the
first 4 or 5 years post divorce, today we're doing pretty good and are
back on our feet.
is
the courts will dictate when the couple cannot come to an agreement on
their own. This means that anything acquired during the marriage –
joint marital assets such as 401K, IRAs, checking accounts, etc and
property (the house, cars, etc) – is split equally, regardless of who
earned it and who was at home not earning.
Child support is then calculated. If your husband will stay at home
with the kids, then you will pay child support to him. If you go to
alt.support.divorce and ask, someone will probably be able to point you
to a website to find the appropriate formula for your state. That group
can give you a wealth of general words of wisdom as well as support.
Sorry you're having to go through this. Even if it is friendly, divorce
still sucks. :–(
jen

Have you considered going to counseling first? I think that no matter what you
do, when there are children involved, things will get somewhat complicated.
Trying to maintain two households on one salary could be difficult financially,
particularly if you are trying to maintain the lifestyle you had when you were
funding one household.
I wish you much luck. Take things slowly.
Donna

Tinny, feel free to email me about divorce mediation. It's the most humane and
friendly way to get through this difficult process.
EMiriamD
"No fashion is ever a success unless it is used as a form of seduction."
–– Christian Dior

I can't see my own posts here (is this a stoopid AOL trick??) but I think I had
posted to say I recommend mediation. It's really the most civilized and least
rancorous way to go.
EMiriamD
"No fashion is ever a success unless it is used as a form of seduction."
–– Christian Dior

I can't see my own posts here either. What's up now?
If anyone can spare a few moments, can you email me instructions on accessing
newsgroups by other mean than AOL? TIA
Donna

On Mon, 10 Jan 2005 03:45:55 –0500, Lily wrote:
Because they're going to maximize the return to their client. That's
what they're supposed to do.

My advice to you would be to get a good divorce lawyer, preferably a woman, or
someone that comes well recommended. Then you can start talking about how to
separate the funds and the custody. I used to work in a law firm and it can be
done very equitably and fairly if the two parties aren't at each others
throats.

On 09 Jan 2005 15:43:58 GMT, emiri...@aol.com (EMiriamD) wrote:
Agreed. I have done a lot of volunteer work in the family courts and
from what I have seen, those individuals who divorce via mediation
remain on the best terms.
Mediation also seems to be easiest on children. If you and your
husband can remain friends, your kids only benefit.
I know a guy who got divorced from his wife, they have two kids, and
they handled things very well. He told me, "Look, we loved each other
enough once to make those two babies, why wouldn't we do right by them
when we break up?" They had a large house that they sold, and they
took the proceeds and bought two smaller houses. One was on one
street, and one was on another street, a couple of blocks over
(walking distance). The kids can see both parents every day if they
want to, they spend holidays together, and everyone gets along great.
My friend is even friendly with his ex–wife's new boyfriend. This is
all possible because my friend and his ex put the kids first. Any
conflict friend and ex may have had or may continue to have is kept
from the kids entirely and worked out in private. (There was a beef
about how the kids were going to spend Easter vacation; he wanted to
take them someplace, and she wanted to take them to NYC. They went to
NYC. My friend got over it, and enthusiastically listened to his
kids' stories about the Big Apple.)

I support mediation. Its usually cheaper and not as confrontational.
The more the parties can agree and work things out by themselves, the
better and cheaper it is. Unfortunately, although lawyers are
essential in the end to draw up the legal papers, the more you interact
with them, the more money goes out of your bank account and into
theirs. I had a mediation agreement with a professional mediator whose
rates were cheaper than a lawyer. The lawyer then came in at the end
and drew up the final legal papers. I talked to my lawyer rarely. I
had a couple meetings with him that's all ( I did not want any more
because of costs– he would have loved it ($$$). My now ex husband met
with him once (we only used one lawyer not 2) only for fact checking
because he could not provide him with legal advice. In the end our
divorce cost less than $3,000 and took about 5 minutes in court and
only I was present. We have one son. He is fine now and is 18 and
planning to go to college. (I am not painting a completely rosy picture
as there were hard ships and sadnesses but in the end it all worked out.

<<I recommend mediation. It's really the most civilized and least
rancorous way to go.
EMiriamD>>
I think the huge difference between mediation and the involvement of
lawyers is not the expense of two attorneys. It's that the mediator
isn't trying to screw anyone. Rather the mediator is trying to ensure
that no one gets screwed.
For some reason, lawyers don't think it's in their interest to pursue
amicability in divorce proceedings.
Lily

Your SAHD could easily earn income on the computer while the kids are
at preschool,mom's day out, napping, at night after bedtime, etc....I
know I do and I also employ several SAHM friends to do parts of it for
me and I pay them by the hour they turn in. They are friends and I
trust them, plus I know about how long stuff takes.
Hubby can take a $100 community ed course in computers/windows (like I
did) if he is not computer literate. I am making way more than I ever
imagined online (legit web sites, no porn or non–family stuff) mostly
thru affiliate programs and advertising revenue. He just needs to learn
how to build webbsites and then write about what he knows––free range
chickens for example. He need not be totally dependant on you to stay
at home w/ kids. Plus––the kids are gonna be computer literate––no
doubt about that, so he might as well 'get w/ the program' and stay a
bit ahead of them to best know what they are up to online in later
years. AND, I found that my kids had more respect for me as I became
more computer literate and the day finally came that they called or
emailed home from college to ask ME questions !!! AMAZING.....
Just my opinion.

I saw your post recommending mediation, just so you know at least some of
the rest of the world is seeing it.
Smokey


"EMiriamD" <emiri...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20050109210537.11044.00000...@mb–m02.aol.com...
I support mediation.

Tinny wrote:
both
is
Tinny –– I highly recommend the book "Divorce Remedy" by Michele
Weiner–Davis. It may help you find some ways to work on your marriage.
Best of luck,
SJL